so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
They took my balls.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
