Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize