We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
