I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
