Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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