If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
