Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize