No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
