Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
