We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
