The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
