I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
