Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
