I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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