my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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