Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
