plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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