I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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