he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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