I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize