you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
