yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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