All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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