Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
smell my finger.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
