Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize