i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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