Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
