I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
