I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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