Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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