While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
