thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
