You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
