Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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