We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
