Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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