Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
