I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize