Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
