Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
