i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
