Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
