He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
