you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize