$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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