cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
