2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize