bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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