The best revenge is premature balding
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
