dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
