haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize