My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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