really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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