My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
