Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
