Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
