New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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