Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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