dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
