I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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