It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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