my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
